bsat blog

If you’re like me or Sinka from “Cool Runnings” chances are you’re feeling very Olympic today. Because even though each Jimmy Roberts' masturbatory, super-saccharine puff pieces leaves you in a diabetic coma, its somehow hard to resist the allure of the oddball sports of the Winter Olympics. Except figure skating. That I find utterly resistible.

The point though, is not to make the obvious jokes that have been made a million times (What’s the deal with biathalon? Shooting and skiing what’s THE DEAL WITH THAT?), or even the jokes that have only been made a few hundred times (Of the hundreds of my Facebook friends who’ve recently joined “100,000,000 Opposed to Discrimination Against Gay Marriage” how many do you think I could get to join “1,000 Strong Against Opposed to Discrimination Against Biatheletes”?). Instead, the point is, if these are Olympic sports than just about anything can be. And the real joy of the Olympics is competing not watching two Koreans knock each other out of short track speed skating (hmm….on second thought…), so why not organize an Olympics of your own right in your dorm room.

Events

1500 Meter Pizza Delivery Race – Call several pizza places at the same time, tell them they’re in a race. Place friendly wagers on the results. The anticipation is unparalleled.

Gold – Tip the delivery man with a tall, cool, Budweiser

Silver – Tip the delivery man with a short, warm Natural Light

Bronze – Whoops we passed out before the driver got there again.

Free Style, No-Holds Barred Vending Machine Death Match – The pizza place is closed. Late night food options are no more. There’s no one to drive you for McDonald’s breakfast. There’s only one option left. Start on the walk back from a party. Race to the room and see who can scrounge up the most loose change first, sprint to the vending machines and earn.

Gold – A Kit Kat Big Kat

Silver – Burger King Ketchup Fries

Bronze – Andy Capp’s Hot Fries (talk about the agony of defeat!)

Slumber Combined – You’re trying to take a nap in between your poorly scheduled 8 am Psych class and your devastating 1 pm Econ 101 class. Your neighbor is apparently operating some sort of underground discotech and blasting dry-wall-rattling bass directly into your wall at the midday hour. You must fall asleep, or at least remain committed to the idea of falling asleep for as long as possible. Best time wins!

Gold – An actual refreshing nap

Silver – You lie there for a while but it’s not like you catch a REM cycle or anything

Bronze - Outkasts "I Like the Way You Move" on repeat

Short Track Full House Bathroom Stall Raceathalon – Your roommate comes in and tells you the men’s room is at “full house” capacity. Both you and your buddy have crop dusting the room for hours. Run. Jump. Dip. Duck. Dive. Elbow. And sprint your way to the last bathroom stall. It’s the excitement of short track speed skating but with no holds barred, and less soul patch.

Gold – The sweet, sweet salvation of the last available stall.

Silver – The noxious, vomit-inducing sensation of waiting in the bathroom during a “full house” (Again, talk about the agony of defeat—particularly if you got stuck with those Andy Capp’s Hot Fries in the vending machine event)

Bronze – Being the roommate who initiated the race (Trapped alone in a dorm room full of farts)