bsat blog

In Friday’s online edition of the Allentown (PA) Morning Call (for which they apparently do not pay professional photographers), they published a list of tips from Sjanna Liptak home-schooled high school senior from nearby Kunkletown. Yes. Kunkletown. (I'm gonna pause for a moment and allow you to fire off your Kunkletown-ispired one-liner of choice....Well done. Are we ready to move on?) She thoughtfully strung together one of those helpful acrostic mnemonic type devices where the first letter of each tip spelled out “APPLY”. Here headlines were Ahead (Stay Ahead of the Process), Practice (Practice taking SAT tests), Pursue Opportunities (do volunteer work as much as you can, hopefully every day), Live the College Lifestyle (become versed in the art of beer bonging and where flip flops in Feburary—oh wait, no, she meant “hanging materials from different schools on [your] mirror") and, finally, Yield to Common Application Mistakes (don’t tell them about all your volunteering they won’t actually believe you).

While I found the advice to be thoughtful, heartful and easily moldable to fit your own needs, what I most enjoyed was the form. And as a grizzled veteran of the college application process myself I figured I’d throw together one of this acrostic, mnemonic doodads of my own featuring two words that brought the most sanity to the whole process.

Find a School You Want to Apply To – The selection process is kind of the fun part. Here are some good things to consider: 1. The weather (do you really want to go somewhere cold?) 2. The colors (remember you’re legally obligated to sport some of their merchandise for the rest of your life, so…hope you like purple…) 3. The other cool things to do on a campus visit (is the University of Hawaii your top choice? No, but you are strongly considering it, and really, it’s tough to make a final decision without a thorough investigation). Also picking your schools of choice based on NCAA Basketball Tournament result is not only acceptable it's encouraged.

Unearth Obscure Relatives Who Went to the School – Think you have nothing to distinguish you at a school of choice? How about a distinguished alumnus? Did you know that your great aunt’s, cousins godfather went there? Before the war! Seriously, write it on your app. And send a Christmas card. Unless their dead. In which case send a few postmarked 1993 written on authentic period stationary. (Also note: if they are, in fact, deceased, don't take my use of the term "unearth" too literally.)

Common Application Is Your Friend – Not sure if you want to apply to a specific school or not? See if they accept the common app. Honestly the part about filling out the propriety applications for those particular schools isn’t as much the supplementary essay materials, it’s the rote filling out of your name, birthday and social security number every…fucking….time…

Kick Ass, Take Notes – Find something that you’re the best at. If there’s nothing, make one up. Saying you "excel at mediocrity" sounds better than saying you kinda suck at everything, doesn’t it? Maybe you’re not the best student, or athlete or friend, but you might just be the world’s greatest procrastinator, or the most creative application question answerer. (Don’t do that last one though, you’ll prove yourself to be the planets dumbest liar.)

Invert It – When you can’t think of an answer ask a question. When it doesn’t make sense, tell them it’s rhetorical. If you can’t think of a big enough word to use, use a smaller one and tell them you’re trying to cut to the essence of the common man. They're looking for you to be creative. What's more creative than not doing a single thing they ask for. Bet they hadn't even thought of it that way. Also, when you have to fill an “I” in your next acrostic gimmick, refer to “Top Gun.”

Take Some Time Off – Seriously, did you just send in your last application? Kick back. Did you just send in your first application? Take a break. Have you not sent in your first application, but you really feel like you made some solid progress today, most of which occurred on sporcle.com, but some of which occurred in the field of college applications? Crack a frosty beverage my friend. You’ve earned it. I’m not sure what a grindstone is exactly, but it doesn’t sound all that comfortable for your nose.