W2W4 On College Tours: Ubiquitous Green Buildings
As you’ve probably noticed, in the past few years there has been a huge push to create more environmentally products. The North Face peddles a line of socks made from a 100% renewable and natural resource: corn. Renewable yes, because you can plant more. Natural, sure. But instead of what? That notoriously un-natural, un-renewable resource: cotton? They probably are tastier though. The Japanese have created a bra that doubles as a shopping bag. I know what you’re thinking, “Now there’s something to hold your cans!” Wrong! Cans are as environmentally unfriendly as paper or plastic shopping bags in the first place! And no one uses the term “cans” anymore. Feel old. The environmentally, and culturally, hip joke would be “melons.” And it’s been made. Often.
As a prospective college student this green trend affects you perhaps more than anyone else. One thing that will jump out at you on your next college tour will be the preponderance of green buildings. They are certified by an independent third party the United States Green Building Council, and they have undoubtedly received a rating from the LEED (Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design) system which the school is very proud of.
Buildings can receive a rating of Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum based on their ability to meet certain LEED criteria. There is also a Diamond certification which is only available for liberal arts schools and which can only be received if the school installs a system to recycle urine into drinking water and invents a capacitor designed to convert their campus’ smug sense of professorial, superiority into renewable energy.
Your tour guide might also show you what in your parents collegiate careers would have been called a “Frat House” but is now referred to as Environmentally Friendly Eco-Commune Themed Housing. Residents may be limit to the amount of showers they can take per week. They will also probably have an old VW bug, but don’t worry it runs solely of Patchouli oil, dreadlock clippings and Phish bootlegs. They’ll also have a pet goat. Just, you know, ‘cuz.
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Dude, you sound like the kind of douchebag who used to bitch at me and my buddies all the time in college. Look, some people go to college to be little bitches and go to classes that don't matter at all, and some people go to college because you can totally rage there with all your buddies. I was the latter, and the former shouldn't have bothered to attend. The point is man, that sometimes, people are just going to rage, and there is nothing you can do about it. So what if people are being loud while your trying to study, why don't you lighten up and try to live a little bit instead of sticking your nose in a book. Books aren't real, man, but life, well, need I say more? I'm just saying, at some point, I'm going to get whacked, and when I do, I might just vomit on your steps, so, fuck you man, you don't have to let bother you. God, just let me live my life. And hey, I'm going to own a dog, and I don't give a fuck if you don't think I'm responsible enough to care for one. I'm going to get one, and hey, it's going to shit on your long. But what are you going to do? Get mad at the dog? That's ridiculous, it's a dog. And you can't get mad at me, bro, I didn't shit on your lawn. Anyway, nerd burger, I'm just trying to say that your a little bookworm bitch, but I don't judge you for that, I mean, my life is more fun, and I think that the way you conduct the business of our everyday life is a total waste, but I'm not judging you for that. So quit judging me for booting on your steps, asshole.
Brother Bryce DeBarry Heidenreich
Sy Oopsilon
posted March 10, 2010 10:19pm
This one time, I was at this Frat House, not because I'm into frats or anything, I've never considered myself the "fratty" type, because, I watch a lot of West Wing, and on the West Wing, it seems like Josh Lyman really doesn't like Frats, because one time he made fun of this congressman and said "dude, we're not in the frat house anymore," but then I thought about that a little, and like, for him to say that, for him to not be in the frat house "anymore," does that imply that he was once in the frat house? Do they even have frats at Harvard? Josh Lyman went to Harvard, and for that reason and for that reason alone, I really, really want to go to Harvard. I'm thinking about writing my admissions essay about it. But then in the later season, when that guy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer played the intern I think that was related to Franklin Pierce, I think he said he was in a frat, or maybe he said he went to football games, but whatever same thing, am I right? Anyway in response to that Josh Lyman said that he was more of a crimson guy, which confused the Buffy the Vampire Slayer intern, but Josh was talking about writing for his school paper, which I guess is kind of ironic, because if the Buffy the Vampire Slayer intern was talking about the football team, that too would have been the crimson, so I mean, I guess I could see why he was confused. Not that that makes it right. Anyway I'm thinking about writing for my school paper, when I go to Harvard, so that someday I can be White House Deputy Chief of Staff, and I'm probably going to start off by writing some Op-Eds so that I can just ease into an editorial position instead of having to start off doing something god awful like writing for the sports section, and so, I think that my first op-ed is going to be called: "Dogs rule and Frats Drool" or "Hats not Frats" or "Take Bats to Frats" or "School Recycling System Not On Par with Western Ausmere Coalition for Atmostpheric Peace Standards." Anyway, what I was going to say was, one time I heard this frat had a goat, and then they killed it, but it turned out that that was just a rumor.
posted March 10, 2010 10:03pm
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