bsat blog

Burpee College, a midwestern liberal arts school, today announced a new initiative to allow needy students to work off college tuition with 4 years of unpaid hard labor after graduation. Said Marco McBurney, Burpee's dean of admissions, "American higher education is a fiscal disaster area. Financial aid has shriveled, parents are broke, and alumni giving has flat-lined.

 

"Truthfully, we toyed with the idea of straight-up enslavement, but Burpee has a long liberal tradition that we want to respect."

 

"However, the new Indentured Servitude program, which we call IndentServ, is a win-win. Students get a full ride and Burpee gets a new indoor beach volleyball facility, which we hope will attract the next Misty Mae Treanor and help to jump start Burpee's fledgling BV program. "

 

The move toward Indentured Servitude was hailed by FAFSA consultant Stella Carstairs as a stroke of genius. "This system, like all our systems, is broken. Now that all the Madoff money has dried up, we're hungry for a new model. IndentServ could be it."

 

McBurney said that so far inquiries about indenturing opportunities have come "mainly from humanities majors--a lot of poets and playwrights, a handful of banjo players--you know, the kids training for professions where being unpaid doesn't amount to a pay cut."

 

Random campus interviews were also upbeat. "Hard labor is such an awesome way to stay in shape." "You have your evenings free to party in the worker barracks." "They feed you, dress you and even immumize you. Sweeeet!"

 

If you're broke, ambitious and not too attached to your personal freedom, you might want to google the Burpee College Office of Indentured Servitude. Said Dean McBurney, "We'll work with you if you'll work with us."