bsat blog

According to a new study, those Saturday mornings we all spent in the custody of the College Board were even more damaging than we thought at the time. The SAT strain of post-traumatic stress has been named Two Trains Syndrome. It gives rise to flashbacks, nightmares, and a paralyzing fear that time is almost up. Even worse, this bubble-sheet blowback can last for decades, ruining the promising careers made possible by high SAT scores, and sucking all joy out of even such reliable pleasures as Tetris and masturbation.

Dr. Sky Spaeth, who directed the study, emphasized how devastating the nightmares could be. A sampling:

 

* A 43-year old bookkeeper has a recurring dream where she's running to catch a train going in the opposite direction. She keeps asking "Opposite of what?" but no one will tell her.

 

* A middle-aged stock analyst dreams that his wife will be unfaithful unless he picks the statement that best expresses the author's opinion of Harriet Tubman's legacy.

 

* An agoraphobic dental hygienist dreams she's in the Bermuda Triangle, trying to swim the hypotenuse. She knows it's a 3-4-5 right triangle, but has no idea of the length of sides A or B. Overwhelmed with panic, her lungs fill with water and then she wakes up.

 

Two Trains Syndrome (TSS) affects nearly 50% of all people who remember their SAT scores. Yet strangely, it afflicts very few who have forgotten theirs. "Some people seem immune to TSS," says Dr. Spaeth, "though we don't know why. However, we've noticed that the immune group seems to smoke a lot of reefer and doesn't really remember much of anything, let alone taking the SAT." Dr. Spaeth is high on the idea of using medical marijuana for TSS prevention. "It may turn out that a blunt a day keeps Two Trains at bay."