bsat blog

So by now your mailman probably has carpel tunnel syndrome from stuffing millions of college brochures into your mailbox. You might be surprised to learn, however, that much of your college experience will not be contained on the pages within. Although it would be nice to engage in all the activities listed in a college brochure—no doubt with a group of impossibly multi-ethnic and photogenic friends—there’s an awful lot more to college than what you’ll find there. Similarly, there are some things you’ll see in a college brochure that you’ll probably never do before you graduate. Here are a few:

1. Use Dining Hall Trays as Sleds – Have you ever been on campus when it snows? The dining hall is the last place you want to go. It’s much safer to order a pizza and let the delivery guy slide around the unplowed roads in his ’96 Ford Tempo. Especially when you tip exclusively in Keystone Light. Plus I feel like most sledding done on college campuses is done on an involuntary basis (read: slipping and falling on your ass, then sliding further down a hill). Hey, whatever gets you to class (or the party) faster.

2. Appreciate Campus Sculpture – Talking with your tour guide about the giant abstract works of wrought metal randomly strewn about a college campus is a lot like the non-threatening, third-party radio station you put on in your car when you give a mere acquaintance a ride somewhere. It’s ridiculously boring, but at least it doesn’t let anyone know about your secret fetish for Randy Newman and scream metal. Similarly when you actually enroll in a school these un-asked-for works of art will become little more than a place to hide behind while making out and a killer Frisbee golf target.

3. Attend Lectures – Hey, don’t get me wrong, the brochure is right when it says college is all about broadening your horizons. The thing is that usually happens while discovering new and inventive ways to subvert the school’s firewall and download free porn or discovering creative ways to use floral arrangements to make your hookah look like a flower vase and pass fire inspection. Rarely if ever does it occur attending a lecture on “Deconstructing Traditional Sex Roles in Animated Cambodian Cinema.” Unless, of course, there’s free pizza provided. Then all bets are off.