bsat blog

So as many of you start opening those fat envelopes from colleges, you're probably wondering the same thing we were when we got accepted: "holy shit, what do I do now." Well, that's where the older, wiser, more-seasoned minds behind the BSAT come in. In this feature we call "Real College Life Tips" we'll explore many of the difficult issues facing incoming college freshman and give you advice on how to avoid the biggest dangers. This week we explore "The Freshman 15".

If you've ever seen a graduate from your high school come back for Spring Break, you'll notice something altogether doughier about them. That's because it is commonplace for most college freshman to put on 15 or so pounds over the course of their first year of school. There are many factors that contribute to this such as high school athletes no longer training for sports in college, increased alcohol consumption and dining hall food forcing many students into a strict diet of EZ Cheese and Slim Jims.

Now, if you were to ask a health professional how to avoid the freshman 15 they'd probably tell you something like "don't drink beer and eat fast food at 3 in the morning." Well, that's about as practical as saying, "cut off your left leg, it weighs about 15 lbs on its own." You're going to eat fast food and drink beer. It happens. It's fine. And don't let them sell you on this "exercise" business either. Too risky. The trick here is to find a way to lose weight while doing something you already enjoy.

Luckily the fine folks at Taco Bell have pitched in to make this a reality. And while I don't know about any of this lower calorie "fresco" nonsense, I do know that I have successfully lost weight by eating at Taco Bell. It's something I like to call the "Black Taco Diet."

If you're like me, you're thinking: "Why wouldn't I like the 'black' taco?" I like blue corn tortilla chips better than regular tortilla chips so a blue corn--oh, it's not a blue corn shell, just a regular taco shell dipped in some kind of pigmenting solution to make it look like it fell off the Exxon Valdez?--oh. Bummer. Well at least its slathered in their zesty jalepeno/jack sauce that doubles as an industrial grade floor cleanser (and, I suspect, a weapons-grade laxative).

 

The next morning--and in fairness, some of this should be attributed to the copious amount of alcohol ingested to make T-Bell palatable in the first place--I was put through a rigorous workout which both elevated my heart rate (holy shit I'm gonna poo in my sheets!!!!), toned and firmed my glutes (you try taking your pants off and sitting on the crapper in the same motion), and knocked a solid 5 pounds off my midsection (and I'm sure some bonus ab-toning occurred as those pounds conglomerated to form an intestinal battering ram which barrelled through my digestive tract and erupted from my butt hole as if it were Mt. Saint Helens.)

 

So, there you have it. The freshman 15 is nothing that can't be conquered without a late night "run for the border"--an early morning "run for the shitter".