bsat blog

With the general economic meltdown several schools are scrambling to fill their new freshman classes with as many talented, well-rounded, (and preferably full-paying) applicants as possible. In some cases Professors are even being asked to get in on the admissions action. Writing under the pseudonym John Lemuel a professor from a “small midwestern liberal arts college” pokes fun at his role as college shill in the Chronicle of Higher Education with an article he calls “Dear Hot Prospect.” And while I’m sure I can commiserate with his being re-ensared in the viscous death vortex that is the college admissions process, as someone who applied to quite a few small Midwestern liberal arts colleges, I think I can take a stab and what the other end of some of these correspondences looked like. (His are italicized)

Dear Prospective Student's Mother: It is fascinating to hear how many phone calls your child receives from the track coach...

 

Dear Professor: I am writing to tell you of my extreme interest in your college. Ever since I was such a cute, adorable baby I have talked about wanting to you to your Midwestern liberal arts school. (Well, I haven’t actually talked since I was born, my first words were on March 5th 1992—which put me ahead of the rest of the kids in my grade level—and I know this because of reading it in my baby book which my darling mother so lovingly kept even though I didn’t see the point of it and got embarrassed when she showed it to my date at the Junior Prom.) Anyway, you should accept me because I get good grades, I received a trophy for being the most improved player on my 4th grade water polo team, and I’m so nice to my grandmother.

Sincerely,

A High School Senior Who Clearly Took the Time to Complete His Own College Applications and Didn't Forget a Deadline and Call His Mom to Type Up an Email for Him While He's at a Nickelback Concert

 

Dear Hot Prospect: Does it strike you as wrong for a forty-something professor to refer to you as hot in any context? Perhaps as one who never scored that blasted chili pepper on RateMyProfessors.com, I am simply too sensitive about the casual use of the word...

 

Dear Tubby: No, I don’t think it’s weird for you to call me “hot”. What I do think is weird is for you to be uncomfortable being ogled by your students. Haven’t you ever heard of cougars? Or that crappy Courtney Cox show? Didn’t you learn anything from the late Anna Nicole Smith? The sexual objectification of the aged is cool right now! Get to the gym Frumplestiltskin.

 

Dear crazypimpedoutwhiteguy: Seriously? You're going to use that e-mail address to apply to college?... 

 

Yo Professor Homeslice: Chill son. Quit trippin’. It’s called swagger, holmes. That’s just hows I put my thang down. You gotta come correct if you comin’ off tha mean streets of Fairfield County, yo. Holla at my boyz in the G-Spot! Greenwich, wurd. Brunswick Squash 4 lyfe!!

 

One love.