bsat blog

By now I’m sure you’re quite familiar with books that rank colleges. And if you’re lucky enough to own the Princeton Review’s Guide to The 371 Best Colleges, you get the most important ranking of all: fire safety. Yes, no measure of student-teacher ratios, open or closed stack libraries or off campus housing matter if you spontaneously combust. After all, what’s a fancy diploma from an Ivy League school going to do for you if you burn down? Nothing. In fact, it’ll probably burn with you, that parchment is pretty flammable stuff.

Take for instance Kenyon College in Gambier, Ohio. The otherwise highly regarded liberal arts school receives a 64 for fire safety. At first glance that looks pretty awful. It’s a D. Not something you’re excited to show your parents over Christmas break. But then you realize that a D is a passing grade, and the school did burn down. Twice. And it still passed! Must have been on the swim team.

But the best part of the fire safety ranking, are all the random room fines that you will incur as part of a fire inspection. Turned your room phone into a bong? Fined $50. Turned your door into a Beirut table? Fined $150. Turned your bed frame, garbage can, computer monitor, and a ColecoVision controller into a Beirut table that doubles as a bong? Fined $200. And also hired by an engineering firm. On the spot. You’re Rube Goldberg of fire policy violators.

Dealing with room fines means you get to deal with your schools housing and grounds department, which is roughly like going to the DMV, except without the personable service. It’s especially frustrating because the fines posted on your door or in your student handbook, usually don’t include everything you can be fined for. So you’ll find yourself pointing out that a $250 fine for removing a door hinge seems excessive when, as per the posted fines, it’s larger than what you’d receive for keeping a pet Bengal tiger that eats fire extinguishers. And you’ll calmly be told that removing a door hinge is a flagrant violation of the housing contract you signed when you moved in, and that the fine has already been processed so there’s simply nothing that can be done at this point. Also, the posted fine clearly refers to Siberian tigers. Gotta read the fine print.