bsat blog

So you’re probably wondering what it’s like to watch the big game in college. Wall-sized TVs? Above ground swimming pools filled with nacho cheez dip? Stripper poles? Ehh, probably not. More like a cramped dorm room, an out-moded, non-HD TV, and one of those Wal Mart folding hammock chairs with one of the bars poking you in the left ass-cheek. So you make the move anyone would make, you venture into the dorm lounge to watch the game. Turns out you’re not the only one who had that idea. Here are five people you will encounter while watching the Super Bowl in a dorm lounge (and unlike that guy who advertises in the back of the USA Today whose picks your campus bookie told you were “gold”, these are guaranteed):

The Guy Who Thinks He Knows More Than You Do – You make some kind of noise at a big play that would seem to indicate an emotion. Not necessarily surprise or excitement or joy or anything that would tip your hand as to your pre-play opinion. Just the kind of noise you’d make because something big happened. He’s all over you. Ha! You really thought Robert Meachem was going to be bottled up by the Colts secondary? Come on, the dude averages 43.7 Yards After the Catch in night games. Just trust me. I’ve been a Meachem Fantasy Football owner for years.

The Person Who Spends the Whole Game Whining About the Commercials – Just over 2 minutes left, 4th quarter, one team down by 10 facing a crucial third and long. These kind of plays like this decide the game. And yet this person, (probably a whiny, androgynous hipster political science major-type in thick-rimmed glasses) is reading Pitchfork on their laptop and complaining about a band they now used to like and that ETrade baby again.

The Guy Who Used to Run That Play All the Time in High School – Oh yeah. Zone read, slot left, motion, flanker dig right, QB waggle? My team used to run that in high school all the time. We went to states. I didn’t play on it though. I just know the terms from playing Madden.

The Person that Knows At Least 5 of the Players Somehow – Jonathan Vilma went to my high school. Donald Brown’s from the town next to mine. My uncle’s brother’s neighbor’s mailman’s son-in-law’s anesthesiologist’s med school drinking buddy removed Drew Brees’ facial birthmark. Yeah, I was gonna get his autograph but we’re too close for that.

The Stoner That Shows Up Just to Watch “The Who” – Smell a little patchouli oil and scented candle wafting through the air? Notice one of those wool-knit Mexican ponchos approaching. Ahh yes it’s that kid you haven’t seen all year that says he’s doing a synoptic major in environmental agriculture and psychopharmacology, and he’s just wondering if the Who’s halftime performance has started yet. He’s only really mildly interested. But it’s okay, he’s a good enough kid--probably makes his own clothes. Respect. And you know he’s not going to deflect too much from your game-watching experience because by the time the morons on the halftime studio show are done yammering about in-game adjustments he’s going to be back amongst the safety of his blacklight posters for his 14th viewing of “The Kids Are Alright.”