bsat blog

Sometimes it takes unorthodox methods (like the BSAT) to win at the college admissions game.

As you will recall, I am a Guidance Counselor, in fact, I am THE Guidance Counselor, the finest, most effective advocate for college-bound children in the history of the universe. And now you'll learn a bit more about how I work.

Last week my advisee, Ralph, received his acceptance letter from R***** Institute, one of the leading engineering colleges in the country. This was his dream. And it was accomplished in large part because I am fucking brilliant. Because Ralph, although he has some grey matter rattling around in his cranium, hasn't gotten it to settle down and perform tricks for him yet. In other words, he's a fuck-up. But I, Bud Binger, waved my magic wand and got him into R*****.

But yesterday, Ralph, screwed around with the fire alarm and emptied the school for an hour.

And now the stupid bastard is putting his college career in danger. Because it is my job to teach him not to be an irresponsible jerk and to protect the reputation of this school for not sending them criminals.

So this morning I explained to Ralph that I have called the admissions office at R***** and told them that Ralph the moron had pulled the fire alarm and was suspended and that I must in good conscience withdraw my recommendation and that they should suspend his admission until I call them and tell them the coast is clear.

Ralph freaked.  "WHAT DID YOU DO???" he screamed?

I responded calmly:   "Oh, pulling a fire alarm and causing mass panic is OK but Bud Binger warning the college about him is not? What about Bud Binger's credibility??? What about all the other kids from our fine school who apply to R***** when Ralph turns out to be a pyromaniac?"

Ralph's response? "Asshole, asshole, asshole! Binger, you're the biggest asshole in the world. When God created assholes he started with you and then it mutated into what is now known as a Supreme asshole. You're the primordial asshole!"

I had to agree with him. And I liked the primordial part. Very creative and erudite.

Fortunately for Ralph, I hadn't really called the admissions people and told them to withdraw his acceptance. But Ralph thinks I did. And, children, he's on very good behavior right now.

I am Bud Binger, Sorcerer, Master of the Universe of College Advising.