bsat blog

Alright future collegiate Cassanova’s, this year the calendar God’s have conveniently scheduled Valentine’s day for the first Sunday without football. There’s not even a Pro Bowl! So really you might as well use the extreme boredom to your advantage and treat that cute girl from your freshman seminar to a romantic evening for two. I’m thinking dinner and a movie.

Now, if you played things heads up and decided not to buy books this semester, you’re in business. Just take the lady out to a nice restaurant—I’m thinking something in the neighborhood of, say, Red Lobster—then a romantic ride home in your Mom’s Taurus (or complimentary, school-provided off campus shuttle bus) to seal the deal and just like that you’re back in the friendly confines of your dorm room with a bottle of Andre and pre-selected film.

If you’re one of the poor saps who did buy books though, you’re in a tight spot. You lack the funds to go out to a nice place, and while splitting a piece of the heart-shaped meat loaf at the dining hall might seem like a good idea, trust me, it’s not. So you’re left with two options: cooking or selling blood. Cooking is of course tough because you’re living in a dorm so you lack the resources and materials to do it properly. But, on the off chance the blood bank isn’t on campus this week it’s all you’ve got. And if that’s the case you’re in luck because I’ve got a four-course menu that’ll have her thinking you’re Iron Chef. And the best part is it can be cooked on the cheap using little more than a microwave and your dorm's bathroom sink.

L’Appertif: Le Puff Pastry Au Saucisson - Totino’s pizza rolls, with a frilly tooth pick in them. Pizza rolls are junk food, the frilly toothpick makes them appetizers. (Speaking of frilly toothpicks--I'm for 'em!)

La Potage: Vichysoise - Soup is easy to cook in the microwave, but you’re preparing so many other things you won’t have time. Luckily the French have bailed you out. (Note: That is the first time that sentence has been used. Ever.) It’s a chilled potato soup. Sound gross? It totally is. But remember you’re not going for palatable here, you’re going for presentation points. And since most soups have potatoes, almost any soup will do. I recommend Campbell’s Chunky Chicken Corn Chowder.

L'Entrée: Le Reverse Chicken Cordon Bleu, avec La Cassarole du Fromage - For the side dish “La Cassarole du Fromage” translates—albeit indirectly—to EZ Mac, and I think you know your way around that one. Now, Chicken Cordon Bleu is a fancy food item featuring breaded chicken stuffed with ham and Swiss cheese. So you’re going to make like the creative outside-the-box chef you are and reverse it: Stuff a chicken patty inside a ham and cheese Hot Pocket and voila! (If this doesn’t work, have a couple Lean Cuisines in the freezer as a backup.)

Le Dessert: Un Flambé du Kit Kat A Lá Vending Machines – Take 3 bucks, snag your favorite candy bars from the vending machines, arrange them decoratively on a plate that wont catch fire or melt, grab the bottle of Bacardi 151 left over from your Flaming Dr. Pepper party, douse the candy bars in flammable liquor, spark it up, and be amazed. Just remember the technical term is “flambé”. (It also might not be a bad idea to keep a bucket of tap water, or a list of local emergency numbers on hand for this one.*)

*The BSAT is in no way responsible for the damage to or loss of property or eyebrows.