Submit an Essay or Story
Are you dying to submit a Common App essay that tells thirteen colleges to go fuck themselves? What about admit stories? If you visited Tulane and your interviewer was 9 months pregnant and her water broke during the interview, we'd like to know about it. Details, please. Send in your dispatches from College Admissions Hell.
Lunch with My Hero
I think the main reason why I would want to have lunch with her is because she comes from such an intriguing family and her own history is fascinating as well. It would be enthralling to find out her views on her eccentric family members, such as an uncle who collected chamber pots, an aunt who was openly bisexual, and another uncle who collected various torture devices.
A luncheon might also provide some insight into her mental state, for some historians suggest that Elizabeth Bathory was not really guilty of the crimes she was accused of and the list containing the six-hundred and twenty names of her victims written in what was supposedly her own hand was forged by priests who felt she had to much power for her time. I personally haven’t the faintest clue what actually happened in her era, the though of someone bathing in blood is a little chilling and does not sound at all plausible but if insanity runs in her blood as history suggest then it might have happened.
My luncheon with her would help provide me with a clearer picture of what happened in the life of someone I find to be truly (for lack of a better word) remarkable, after all she is one of the first recorded female serial killers and has the highest body count. If there were time left over from our lunch I think I would bring up her philosophical teachings - to bring a bit of normalcy with dessert, and find out which one she believed to be the most accurate description of life in her time. A lunch (or dinner) with Elizabeth Bathory lasting about three hours would be all the time I would want to spend in her company for reasons above, that and any longer she might start bathing in my blood, which while an experience isn't one that would get me into college. However in that time spent talking I would hope to gain some insight into the lives of nobility in Hungary during the later years of the Renaissance.
Sign in to comment
Since you asked for it:
Having lunch with a person is not the right way to go about asking them prying questions about their personal/fictional life, dinner would serve better since it would feel less like a business meeting. If I ever did have such an opportunity I would be delighted to have lunch with Gaius Valerius Catullus. For those of you who do not take Latin or translate poems by both Catullus and Ovid every day in your Latin class, Catullus is a Roman poet who's most famous poems were about his deep love Clodia (referred to as Lesbia throughout most his poems) and his final disillusionment with her. At this lunch, since Catullus is already being raised from the dead, Catullus would speak fluent English since I probably would not understand much of verbalized Latin, it being a dead language an all or if he would rather I could magically pick up his language.
Anyway, I would want to have lunch with Catullus mainly because this poet has been apart of my school life for so long that I would be delighted to actually meet the writer of so many beautiful and humorous poems. Over lunch I would be able to ask him the questions that have long stumped me, such as did he ever get over his lost love Clodia , or did Gelli (a man that Catullus promised some versus to but 'forgot' to write) ever forgive him? Or what was Rufus’ reaction to the ode about his underarms? Did they really smell like goats? Other things that would also be interesting to learn about over lunch would be his relations with the people he wrote about or mentioned in his poems. From my interpretation of things his relations with his peers must have been rather strained. I write this for there are hardly any poems about his friends that I have translated and I am beginning to wonder if the people in all his poems were friends rather than hated enemies or foolish foes. A lunch or dinner if possible with Catullus would be an enjoyable event and maybe by the end of it I’ll come out with a genuine latin tutor, complete with toga.
Similar yet different. Apparently raunchy roman poets are ok, influential serial killers no.
posted August 13, 2009 08:57pm
Fucking hilarious. And brilliant.
I want to see the Catullus one.
posted August 13, 2009 08:43pm
How did you know it was real? It WAS written for a college but the author's mother wouldn't allow it to be sent off, something about their thinking I was a nutter. Instead another essay was written, this time devoted to Catullus asking about his failed love life and if the underarms of his friend really did smell...
...with it I got a full ride to my current school.
posted August 13, 2009 08:29pm
This is unbelievably funny. Is there ANY chance you really wrote this as a proposed college essay? It's too close to seriously nuttily serious.
posted August 13, 2009 08:14pm
Comments [4]
7
1