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Potato Hiccups
The first time I took the SAT, my mom fed me a hearty breakfast. She called it brain food. But the hash browns gave me really bad potato hiccups. Some hiccups are like no big deal, but these were like cramps in my chest.
So the test begins with a reading passage and I’m like, “According to the author, what gave Clara Barton the idea for the Red Cross? Was it…” HICK! “…a) all the blood at the Battle of Bull Run? b) the flag of Switzerl…” HUCK! Oww. I could use the Red Cross myself right about now.
All I'm thinking is, how much are these fucking hiccups going to lower my score? 100 points? 200? HICK.
The proctor lady, a real sour pickle, comes over and hands me a paper cup of water, which I chug down. Pause…HI…UCK. Owww-chhh. Holy f…HICK! Now I'm wondering if the SAT has a grace period where, if you bail, your score doesn’t count—like a mulligan…HUUCKKK. Probably not.
Two minutes pass. HICK. Some asshole does a fake hiccup right after me. A couple of girls giggle. A few more assholes join in on my next one. Bigger giggle. Then more and more and soon this hiccup-giggle-hiccup-cackle game going on, like those huge audience balls before a clown show. The only good part was I knew nobody was concentrating--these shitheads were going down with me.
Next thing I know the pickle lady is standing over me, glaring. "You have to leave now. I'll attach a note to your papers. Try again later." I get up saying, "I'm really real...HICK...ly sorry," as if I should feel bad for fucking up her gig as a mini-dictator-for-a-day. Then I bolt down the corridor, out into the sunlight, from which point...NOT ONE SINGLE HICCUP. Awkward. A leftover one or two might have helped me explain things to my parents.
As I stand there, waiting for my Dad, who's pissed because he had to get off the tennis court early, I wonder if my body is trying to tell me something. Maybe it's rejecting the stress of standardized testing. Then I remember glancing at fairtest.org’s list of colleges that don’t require the SAT. The only ones I remember are The Art Institute of Las Vegas and The American Indian College of the Assemblies of God. I was hoping for Yale, but right now either of these seems fine.
So the test begins with a reading passage and I’m like, “According to the author, what gave Clara Barton the idea for the Red Cross? Was it…” HICK! “…a) all the blood at the Battle of Bull Run? b) the flag of Switzerl…” HUCK! Oww. I could use the Red Cross myself right about now.
All I'm thinking is, how much are these fucking hiccups going to lower my score? 100 points? 200? HICK.
The proctor lady, a real sour pickle, comes over and hands me a paper cup of water, which I chug down. Pause…HI…UCK. Owww-chhh. Holy f…HICK! Now I'm wondering if the SAT has a grace period where, if you bail, your score doesn’t count—like a mulligan…HUUCKKK. Probably not.
Two minutes pass. HICK. Some asshole does a fake hiccup right after me. A couple of girls giggle. A few more assholes join in on my next one. Bigger giggle. Then more and more and soon this hiccup-giggle-hiccup-cackle game going on, like those huge audience balls before a clown show. The only good part was I knew nobody was concentrating--these shitheads were going down with me.
Next thing I know the pickle lady is standing over me, glaring. "You have to leave now. I'll attach a note to your papers. Try again later." I get up saying, "I'm really real...HICK...ly sorry," as if I should feel bad for fucking up her gig as a mini-dictator-for-a-day. Then I bolt down the corridor, out into the sunlight, from which point...NOT ONE SINGLE HICCUP. Awkward. A leftover one or two might have helped me explain things to my parents.
As I stand there, waiting for my Dad, who's pissed because he had to get off the tennis court early, I wonder if my body is trying to tell me something. Maybe it's rejecting the stress of standardized testing. Then I remember glancing at fairtest.org’s list of colleges that don’t require the SAT. The only ones I remember are The Art Institute of Las Vegas and The American Indian College of the Assemblies of God. I was hoping for Yale, but right now either of these seems fine.
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